SWIMMING IN CHAOS

BOOK 2

While “Cliffhanger’s” main theme was love and heartbreak, “Swimming in Chaos” dives into grief in every aspect of my life.

This book takes you on a 4-year journey through grieving the person that I thought I was going to be. Before losing myself, my first love interest, and the idea of who I wanted to be, before COVID shut down the whole world… dealing with addiction, sex, the perception of self, and finding my way again...

Page with the title 'Chapter One' and the subtitle 'London II' on a textured background.
A page from a book with the date 29/09/2020 at the top. The text discusses moving to London, being in university's final year, and financial struggles during recovery from a pandemic. The author is Riley Ray.
View of the Tower Bridge over the River Thames in London, with modern buildings on both sides and cloudy sky overhead.
A person on public transportation wearing glasses, a black face mask, a black winter jacket with a fur-lined hood, and headphones, looking to the side. There are signs and a blue handle in the background.
A person wearing glasses and a black face mask with an expression of confusion or shrugging, dressed in a black winter jacket with a fur-lined hood, sitting indoors near a window with a view of trees outside.
A young man with glasses, sitting in front of a laptop, wearing earphones, with a tattoo on his left arm, in a room with a bed and dark curtains behind him.
Poem titled 'SINK UNTIL YOU SWIM' over a background of ocean waves, with the author's name, Riley Ray, at the bottom.
A poetic quote about human awareness and feeling like an alien, over a background of a misty ocean.
An ocean scene with waves and a poem titled 'The Cost of Life' by Riley Ray overlaid on the image.
Chapter two titled Poland on a textured, faded background.
A textured paper background with handwritten text in black ink. The date '25/10/2020' is at the top, and the quote is in the middle, with the author's name 'Riley Ray' at the bottom.
Person with face jewels and colorful lighting, holding a decorative netting above head in a dark setting.
A three-story house with a sloped roof and beige exterior walls, featuring four windows with white frames, parked cars in front, and a person walking a small dog on the sidewalk near a street lamp decorated with Christmas ornaments.
A young man with glasses and headphones smiling while sitting on a patterned couch.
Person sitting barefoot on a chair at a wooden table with a red background, wearing a red shirt, with a floral arrangement and a single rose on the table.
Poem titled 'Hometown' by Riley Ray over a background of ocean waves and sky, with the word 'HOMETOWN' at the top and the author's name at the bottom.
A poetic text titled 'Gay in the Suburbs' over a background of ocean waves, describing survival and community. The author is Riley Ray.
A poetic quote titled "Versions of Me" by Riley Ray, overlaying a photo of a choppy ocean with a cloudy sky above. The quote reflects on different versions of oneself, fear of losing control, and the importance of the right version.
Page with textured background, titled 'Chapter Three' and subtitle 'Belfast' in large text.
A textured, watercolor-style background with a poem by Riley Ray, dated 07/10/2021, about leaving a difficult job and grappling with the devil. The poem is centered, with the author's name at the bottom.
Young man with glasses and a baseball cap taking a selfie in front of a mirror, wearing a black t-shirt with a cartoon chicken design.
Person in a gray cap and glasses wearing a face mask, holding a passport and making a peace sign at an airport terminal with an airport runway visible outside the window. Another person in the background is looking at their phone.
A young man with pink hair and a pink hoodie is sitting on a blue chair in an indoor setting, looking to the side with a neutral expression.
A young man with gray hair, wearing a striped shirt and white shirt, lying on a bed with a large piece of raw meat wrapped in plastic wrap that has 'LIE FEAR' written on it.
Poetry quote over a background of choppy ocean waves with a light blue sky. The quote reads: "Home sweet home... After all that, blocking my brother for 2 years, not speaking to my dad I have to do this again? Move into the very well known, the grape that's been drained to its core. I been here way too many times. Which is how I knew just how doomed I was. I was kicking and screaming, swore that I would rather die than be here again. Yet here we go again." The author is Riley Ray.
A quote by Riley Ray about the importance of controlling one's narrative without wearing a mask, with a background of turbulent ocean waves under an overcast sky.
A pale blue background with a quote about creativity and fantasy from Riley Ray, titled 'FANTASY BOOK'.
Text on textured paper background reading "Chapter Four 'I Quit!'" in bold white and blue letters.
A textured watercolor background with a quote and date. The quote is about quitting a job after 62 hours on the 6th day, attributed to Riley Ray, dated August 20, 2022.
A young man with glasses and blond hair resting his chin on his hand, looking softly at the camera through tall green grass with a background of trees and blue sky.
Various printed documents scattered on a black surface near a green wall with electrical outlets, and a curtain to the side.
Stacks of printed scripts labeled 'CLIFFHANGER' on a green tablecloth with a book titled 'CLIFFHANGER' by Riley Ray underneath.
A young man with glasses lying on the floor, smiling and looking to the side, next to a gray rug and a light wooden floor, with a blue cushion and an electrical outlet with a power strip nearby.
Poetry about mental health, medication, and ADHD by Riley Ray, with a background of ocean waves.
Poetry about Brexit on a background of ocean waves with a pale sky. The poem expresses personal feelings and wishes for independence and self-determination, attributed to Riley Ray.
A digital poster with a background of an ocean with waves. The title at the top reads 'The Bridges Where We Stood' and contains the poem by Riley Ray about standing on a bridge and reflecting, with the author's name at the bottom.
Page titled 'Chapter Five: Corporate' with a textured, torn paper background.
A textured, watercolor background with a poem by Riley Ray, dated 27/04/2023, about landing an office job after many interviews, and reflecting on the time spent reshaping life.
A young man with green hair, glasses, and a black suit taking a mirror selfie in a room with pink walls, a wooden-framed mirror, and a religious cross hanging on the wall.
A shirtless man with dark hair is pressing his face against another person's shoulder on a dimly lit background. The scene appears to be outdoors at sunset or dusk.
A young man with purple hair and glasses is taking a selfie in a park, holding a baguette. He has headphones around his neck and is wearing a green and purple jacket. In the background, there is a large historic building, trees, and people walking wi
Nighttime street scene in Paris with the Eiffel Tower illuminated in the background, parked bicycles along the sidewalk, and cars on the road.
A quote by Riley Ray about predators and being surrounded by vultures, with a background of ocean waves and a misty sky.
Image with text overlay on a background of rough ocean waves. The text discusses signals, red flags, and eye contact, and asks questions about identifying a red flag and the part that said no. The title of the image is 'Red Flag' and it is credited to Riley Ray.
A poetic text overlaying an ocean background, with the poem titled 'Tick Tock' by Riley Ray, reflecting on time and longing, with the publisher 'TICK TOCK' at the top.
Watercolor textured background with the text 'Chapter Six Dating Again' centered in white and dark blue font.
A textured background with a quote about dating, dated 04/01/2024, attributed to Riley Ray.
A young man with yellow hair, wearing glasses, a purple hoodie, black shorts, and purple socks, sitting on the edge of a boat looking at the water and sunset.
Mirror reflection of a person taking a selfie in a dark room with fitness bikes and green LED lighting.
People enjoying a picnic in a park with trees, blankets, and rainbow flags.
Person in a yellow shirt jumping on a grassy field with yellow flowers and trees in the background.
Poetry titled 'Highlight of the Week' by Riley Ray, written over a background of ocean waves with a cloudy sky.
A poetic quote titled 'Sleeping with Strangers' by Riley Ray, over a background of a cloudy sky above a turbulent sea, reflecting on human connection and the unpredictability of meeting new people.
A poetic text overlaid on a background of ocean waves, with the title 'Therapy for One' and the author's name 'Riley Ray.'
Chapter Seven: Leaving Lost Boys Behind, on a textured background with blue and beige tones.
A digital graphic with a textured background and an inspiring quote about life and healing. The date 04/05/2024 is at the top, and the quote is attributed to Riley Ray at the bottom.
Person wearing a yellow shirt standing in calm water near the shore, looking towards the horizon on a partly cloudy day.
Person wading into a lake or river, viewed through trees with green leaves, with a shoreline and distant land across the water.
A quote titled 'Skeleton of My Story' by Riley Ray, over a background of ocean waves. The quote discusses the importance of heart in storytelling.

What does Swimming in Chaos mean to me?

It’s about dealing with my feelings headfirst, causing an uproar instead of staying silent, questioning my own reasons, battling through the inner demons... All while at home, at a party, on the train, or in the office.

It’s about always being ready to respond to the situation at hand. It’s about being comfortable in the unknown. This journey is about taking accountability and accepting the events that were out of my control, accepting that grief is part of my process, accepting that sometimes things simply get too much.

It’s not about starting as a clean slate, it’s about making peace with all of the chaos, not letting it control my life. I dealt with these feelings in silence, I write them out, so you don’t feel alone when you’re adventuring through your thoughts, feelings or your trauma. This entire book has been about making peace with swimming in chaos.

Cover of a book titled 'Swimming in Chaos' by Riley Ray, featuring a close-up underwater photo of a person with their head tilted back, eyes closed, surrounded by water bubbles.